- (no subject)
- May 23rd, 0:21
i'm in my house for the last time. it's been a nightmare day but at least distracting. mom and rich didn't spend any time before the settlement packing so we had to pack up a 4 bedroom house in one day. the settlement is tomorrow at 11 and we're still not done.
i was so lucky to be seen off by pear and jamie and i spent my last day in london at the british museum by myself. pear made an amazing pork and apple pie, which was the perfect goodbye meal. courtney picked me up from the airport and she was the perfect person to be greeted by. i slept at martin's yesterday and i thought i could just get back into the swing of things but i am just not ready. i don't know if i will ever be.
right now my brain is in a simplistic binary of matthew-england good/martin-america wrong, regardless of logic or what's right. i have to really control myself in order to not email matt and ask him to consider coming to america in august like he had planned before we broke up. i'm homesick for england. i wasn't ready to go. it feels so wrong being here, not wrong like it did when it first got to england, but like an extreme regression, like i had given up any progress i had made in my life.
now i have to say goodbye to my house. i'm also not ready for that. i am so very, very tired. i didn't want to go back to my old life. i wanted my life to change completely, to stay in england and to plan for a life with someone. i guess the worst part is i feel i can trace it directly to just a few words i wish i had never said. and i was really foolish to think there'd be no interruption at all in my feelings, and that i could just erase the past 9 months and act like nothing had changed.
i know how lucky i actually am but i am not ready for all of this at once