(no subject)
pretty sure i have one of them there dang ol' "toxic work environments"

boss can't be friend
person who makes your job harder can't be friend

i just need to learn to keep my fucking mouth shut. i know what my end game is.

LiveJournal not affected by Heartbleed
theljstaff wrote in news

Dear users,

As you might have heard, a major vulnerability in SSL (the secure channel used for HTTPS) has been detected recently. As many as two thirds of internet sites were affected, including social networks and major web sites.

We are happy to confirm that LiveJournal is not vulnerable and has not been affected at all.

Meanwhile, in the past 12 months we have been working hard to deploy many security features to protect user data.

Nevertheless, even though LiveJournal was not affected by the Heartbleed bug, changing your password is still a good idea, especially if you use similar passwords on other sites whose data may have been compromised. If you haven't changed your password in the last year, we recommend that you do so now.

So I have two more ideas for online strips right now. It will also be time to really knuckle down and get on my book project again. I have enough strips to do a compilation book but my next "big" thing needs doing and time is a wastin'.
The big book is perplexing. I am having doubts as to how to format things and may ditch an entire section of it altogether. Everything is always in flux it seems with the new book.
As for it being my "last" book project if no pubs bite, it's possible. I am 43 years old. I can see finally coming to terms with my comics simply being a legacy for my kids type of thing if no one gives a shit about publishing this book. Still I need to get it done first.
I am somewhat excited for TCAF in a few weeks. Especially picking up Box Brown's Andre the Giant biography and looking over some other cool new shit. It always kinda bites me in the ass that I haven't tabled since 2009 but really, I don't HAVE any new things to sell and the show is so much bigger than a small potatoes kind of guy like me. Other folks who have fallen out of comics seem to be fine with it but it's hard for me. Fucking dreams and shit.
So it's the night before Good Friday 2014 and the bald guy is feeling old. I came across a gal I had a young man's crush on via Facebook, and now it's 25 years on...well that's one of my ideas for a strip. "Missed Opportunities" I think I'll call it. Will likely have a Star Trek reference in it I'm very fond of from a film most people diss the shit out of but I have a great fondness for.
What else? I ordered a 602 page book online called "Slovakia: Fall in the Heart of Europe". It seems more and more that the best comics are NOT coming via Diamond's monopoly but through folks offering their wares on the Internet and the like.
Does anyone read Livejournal anymore? Ah well. I vented some spleen here.

SHOCK STOCK 2014 convention diary

I'm home from Shock Stock 2014, the 4th annual horror/cult movie show in London Ontario, Canada!

I flew across the country to be there, and it was quite a trip. About 10 hours of traveling if you count all the time sitting around in airports, and I totally fucking DO. Here's an embarrassing thing that happened: I was going through my wallet while sitting there in the airport in Toronto, and I stood up to go ask a question of the airport staff and my chain wallet was still in my lap, but accidentally left open. It of course fell and dangled from the chain attached to my belt as I stood and walked forward, and ALLLLLL of my money and credit cards and all the other shit (my wallet is like a fucking purse, man) spread all over the goddamn floor right in the path of all these strangers who were disembarking. For further hilarity, I then scrambled around like fucking Jerry Lewis trying to collect the several hundred dollars in twenties that fell all over the floor. People laughed, my head turned as red as a cherry tomato, and it totally felt like a nightmare where you go to school with no pants.

Anyway, once I got there everything was daddio-cool. I was a special guest, and was sitting next to Sig Haig and Ginger Lynn. As a massive fan of the movies that Sid made with director Jack Hill back in the 1970s and 60s (SPIDER BABY, PIT STOP, BIG DOLL HOUSE), and with Ginger being one of the stars of the very earliest porn movies I ever saw, you can bet that was pretty gratifying and exciting for me.

Sid is, as one would imagine, a grumpy old man. Gawd bless him. Haha, not much else to say! He seemed tickled to see his fans though, which is about as much as you can ask from an old crumudgeon.

Ginger is exactly as graceful, kind, and congenial as you would expect. Meeting both of them was very cool, especially Ginger who really seemed to like the full color poster I did of her as a Shock Stock con exclusive, as well as my new Graphic Thrills book. That she was into them at all kinda made my week, to be honest. I mean, I don't wish to sound like a slobbering Ginger Lynn fanboy, but I'd be remiss if I didn't point out that there are only about 10 living porn superstars that would genuinely make me simply giddy just to be in the same room as them, and she's on that short list.

I also got to meet and hang out with that crazy looking evil dude from THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE 2, Laurence R. Harvey, Marc Sheffler from the original LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT, and Felissa Rose from SLEEPAWAY CAMP! Damn. Wish I got more photos, but I've never really been a "photo guy". I'm often too wrapped up in living the moment to want to stop and document it. I guess I'll regret that when I get old and can't remember my own memories anymore.

James Bialkowski, along with Jake Grimbo, are the two guys in charge of putting the whole show together. They really have something special here. A really good vibe. I love that they've brought the world to them, instead of just being like "Oh shit, we live in London Ontario. I guess everything sucks." I've lived in enough small and medium sized towns in my life where that attitude is just soooooo ever-present, so to meet two individuals who are working so hard to make a culture of awesomeness in their own community is really quite inspiring. They aren't just sitting back and waiting for cool shit to happen. They're MAKING it happen. Fuck, yeah. We could all learn a little something from that, if you ask me. Here's James and I:

Of course, a show like this doesn't come together thanks to two people. There are many other personalities and volunteers involved, making sure everything goes smoothly. James' wife, Tessa, for one. She made me some awesome drinks while tending bar at an after party. Yummers! I made friends with many of the volunteers, actually. Nina (who picked me up at the airport), Holly (who drank booze out of a stranger's butt crack), Tyler (who I finally got to meet after being online friends for years), Rin (who gave me some of her zines) and David (who went out and got me a foot long sammich!)

Here I am getting to know Nichole, who was also one of the many accommodating young people at the convention! CANADA. WHAT A COUNTRY.

Getting to finally meet Art Ettinger and his lovely wife Allana after being online friends for as long as there has been internutz was cool, too. His magazine ULTRA VIOLENT is pretty much a must-read, and he tells me there is finally going to be a new issue in the near future. Here's Art holding some pictures of ladies with top hats on their butts. You know, like you do.

What else fun things did I do? Oh yeah! Buying tons of paper collectibles off Cameron Sholes and then finding out he was the guy who used to put together SHE magazine back in the day! And he gave me some sweeeeet deals! Thanks Cam. May I also point out that it was super wicked that Jill Nelson, the author of GOLDEN GODDESSES drove for hours to come and see the show! She's one of my faves, so that was a giant flaming pile of neato.

"That's all fine and good" you may say. "Let's talk about $$", you may say. Well, actually maybe you won't say that, but I did really well. Sold piles of books, especially of GRAPHIC THRILLS. One of my best cons ever, from that point of view. Here's a blurry view from my table. Look at that funny little dog. It looks like a poop. I wish that blue lady there would have brought him over so I could have patted him. Pet him? Whatever.

So then the show ends on Sunday and I gotta scram outta my hotel room because check out time is noon, but I don't have anything to do for almost a whole day! Could have been mega-boring, so thank goodness my new pals Nina, Holly, Jeremy and Kellan were thoughtful and gracious enough to take me out for awesomely delicious tacos and then for a tour around the sleaziest and coolest sites of downtown London! Here I am being genuinely amazed to witness a musty old love doll that looked like a pickled woman in formaldehyde. You're supposed to take it out of its cryogenic tube and fuck it.

Anyway, thanks again, London! That was really fun! Much love to you all, even the jokers in the airport that laughed at my comedic slapstick antics. Glad I could provide some entertainment.


One of those routines I will miss greatly...

(no subject)
please put your backs into MANIFESTING MY GOOD NEWS
all the finger crossing, wishing, hoping
join me in it, pretty please

(no subject)
why do i feel so panicky about being at home? i feel sort of sad and disconnected. and worried. it's still so fucking cold here.

i told myself i wouldn't but i started watching GIRLS, and of course i identify with the whole bland mayonnaisey affair. the character of adam is almost exactly like karl, the flakiness, the devotion to his art, his sudden attempt at being a normal dude with a normal girlfriend, his anger, his cold ambivalence towards hannah, the way he talks, his sense of humor. marnie's delusions about being a singer and her insistence on being the center of attention are also like me. hannah's selfishness and hypochondria and how big a fucking baby she is are also me. i loathe how deeply it resonates. it's like holding up a big loaf of white bread and seeing your reflection it.



at the beginning of jodorowsky's dune, jodorowsky says that the goal of life is to create a soul. this resonated with me deeply, and it made me realize how little it matters that i'm the only person who cares about the music i make. i thought the goal of life was to eat a pound of see's chocolates in one sitting.

I gotta request all of my grandma's certificates and my mom's as well so I can make an appointment at the Donegal Center

It Was Dark



(no subject)
ugh i got violently ill from dinner and had to go to bed early and now i'm up at 4:30 AM. calvin will probably be up soon, asking for oats. i think i eat so infrequently now that any time i eat more than one meal a day i get nauseous. i wonder if my stomach has no elasticity now or something. i don't know how to science.

my trip so far has been really wonderful, and surprisingly cathartic. naomi is definitely a different person than she used to be, and a lot of the layers of callousness have peeled off to reveal a surprisingly sensitive person, as well as an insanely generous and even affectionate one. i think i was most surprised when we were just standing at the counter of the hardware store picking keys and she came over to just give me a little hug for no reason. there's been a lot of processing going on, so much so that i had a dream where this bulbous feminine shadow of pain manifested in front of my dad and i stabbed it in the heart with scissors. naomi told me she got so annoyed that i would say that i don't really know her, but she realized that since she left at 18 she felt like she knew who i was, and since i was 9 my memories weren't really fully-formed. and i'm obviously not the same person as i was when i was 9. well. sort of. my mom might disagree. it was good to get the news that i was offered a place at university of sheffield because i might be the first in my family to go to grad school (can i call a PGDip grad school? hrm).

i'm really proud of my family. i'm proud of my mom, who is the strongest person i have ever known. a lot of people say that about their moms, but i doubt most people could survive even half the pain my mom has had to experience. i'm proud of all three of my sisters, who are so smart, hard-working, creative, and funny.

i've gotten to see a lot of people that i haven't seen in years. the first night i got here i saw channing, who for a long time was james' best friend. after james and i broke up he called me a couple times to make fun of me and make sure i was ok. i'm lucky james alienated all his cool friends so that i can hang out with them and not feel weird about it. i finally met channing's awesome wife, emily, too. i used to spend so much time on google reader commenting on shit they shared and feeling like an INTERLOPER. what a funny place to be social. i miss google reader. channing has been a pal to me, though, and every so often tells me to apply for opportunities, like that silly BBC america vlogger thing that i didn't get, but did prompt english people on youtube to tell me i'm annoying and stupid!

today my friend nemo came down from sebastopol to hang out. i hadn't seen him in 3 or 4 years! we met on okcupid and i would say what we had was maybe not romantic, but sort of fanciful. i think at the time i felt a very spiritual or intellectual connection with him because he is a very positive influence on me. the first time we met we took a hike on swarthmore's campus and talked about language for a very long time. he's also the only person i know who will dance no matter where he is and who's around. he used to talk in a very whimsical, unorthodox way and maybe his life in new york has reduced some of that. he has an enthusiasm about him that is very compelling. he is also thinking of doing a speech pathology grad program, and he actually majored in linguistics at one of the best schools in the country.

i've been having trouble being social on this trip, even though for the first time in years i have AN ABUNDANCE OF FRIENDS. i guess i forgot how difficult that was. i don't eat all day to avoid IBS symptoms and then i get very woozy and can't focus on anything. i try to eat and then i have IBS problems and have to visit 3000 bathrooms and can't focus on anything. i love that i get to see friends but i think i need to do some exploring on my own because i can't keep risking my well-being to accommodate other people. i need to do things in my own time.

i cannot fucking believe heartbleed. i don't remember any of my new passwords. i have been locking myself out of accounts, which is maybe kind of good. i know i seem like the last person who would ever disconnect from social media, but facebook and tumblr have gotten severely uninteresting lately. i tend to keep things around in the off chance that some day people might pay attention to my music, but people just want to reblog old memes and obnoxious vines. if i don't attach some repetitive screed about loving my body to shit i write it gets ignored, and i would like to write about other things. no one is interested in anything that doesn't validate them. i get it, but i want to move past it, at least sometimes. i am lucky that i'm in a position where i have already been exposed to so much body positivity, and i know there are still a lot of people who could really be helped by that rhetoric and have never seen anything like it. even if i really want to write about something that happened to me related to my body and i genuinely want people to feel better about themselves, i feel somewhat disingenuous because it just sounds like pandering. step 1: it's ok to have a fat body. step 2: it's ok to have a fat body and then be more than your fat body. what about your fat brain? honestly, half the time i just feel like shit anyway because no matter how much "love ur body~~" i see, the subtext is still, "as long as you're an hourglass and have a big butt and big boobs". i think i'm back to thinking that the only thing that will save me is being funny and singing, because i'm really fucking weird-looking.

i am tired of how fucking gullible people on tumblr are. i want people to think really critically about how language actually works, and to be interested in it. i want people to think critically in general.

calvin keeps watching veggie tales and i wonder if naomi would be ok with that. i had joked about teaching him about jesus while she's away but he's a smart dude and knows how to use the appleTV already (though his netflix searches are "abbbb" and "gkjfffff"). he navigates by characters and keeps watching the story of esther. that's a good ol' testament story, though, with a virtuous female protagonist, so why the heck not. besides the fact that she's a fucking armless zucchini or something and it's terrifying. it doesn't seem to bother him, though.

i'm not really homesick. i had some panic issues when i first got here because it looks like nowhere i've ever seen. so much of this city looks like snapshots in time of the 1920s or 1950s. i don't really like palm trees and laid-back attitudes, and the white kids with dreadlocks are the worst, most entitled, most aggressive people ever, actually. i don't think i'd ever want to live here but naomi said she's glad we have sets of keys now so that we can feel like we can come back and visit whenever we live.

i'm trying to save the actual "things i did" for ~my real blog~ so that at least 2 out of my 10 aunts will read it, right


The drastically revised and redrawn strip I kept yammering about. Trying to work these feelings out is constantly a challenge.

(no subject)
"We are pleased to inform you that you have been made an offer of a place on the PG DIP, Postgraduate Diploma, Speech Difficulties, Full Time, 2014 at the University of Sheffield."

oh. i'm waiting for some other news.

Sherwood Forest



(no subject)
A woman brings a paisley maxi dress, a navy linen skirt, and an Ann Taylor tank top with rhinestone trim to the register.
"Are you all set?" I ask.
"Yup! I just love your store. And the weather's so nice today! No wonder you guys are busy!"

I hold the maxi dress's security tag to the magnet and remove the pin. "I am an attractive woman," I tell her.

As I hold the scanner to the price tag, a consignor walks in, all of her 600 articles of clothing on hangers. She looks at me expectantly.

"I am a talented writer gifted with keen insight and sharp wit," I inform her with just the right measure of warmth and patience. I motion to the jewelry counter. She uses up all the counter space available to her and leaves.

"Um is she gonna take any longer with my consignment?" A different woman who has been waiting for her consignment to finish asks me. "Because I have to leave in two minutes. I don't understand why we have to wait in the store for our consignment to finish. That lady just left."

"I am coming into my own as both a composer and a performer. I write more songs now than I ever have." My first customer's total comes to $66.95. She tosses her credit card at me.

"Grad school or starving artist?" I ask her.

"Credit," she says, and I push the button for her even though the machine is facing her and is meant to be used by her.

A man walks into the store, and, ignoring the fact that I have crowds of customers at my counter, whole nations of them, insists he have my attention.
"This device you're using is derivative. And you're fat. Do you have change for a dollar? Do I need to pay for the meter on Sundays?"

"Even if my value as a human is partially or mostly determined by my attractiveness, I think the amount of charisma I have qualifies as a means to survive." I hand him four quarters.

"I'm sorry I'm so bad at folding," I tell my first customer. "But I'm imaginative and earnest. I really do work very hard." Her credit card is approved.

The receipt tape prints endlessly with the text

How Long Have We Been Asleep

You ever loaf down for a nap and accidentally snooze for a few weeks?

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